Witch Services Offered by Fred’s University Professor
Professor Blair has been placed on leave from the Symbology Department after it was discovered she was charging students for “Witch Services.” According to the Dean, it began as a social media joke which got out of control.
Professor Blair is a parent at Burning Badger Waldorf School where she has three children enrolled. Blair noted in a Facebook post that the alternative Steiner school has a “culty/witchy feel” and she wouldn’t be surprised if she was soon asked to pay a fee for “Witch Services.” She posted a fake ad for “Witch Services” with a fee schedule attached.
This post was picked up by some of her students who started a Witch Services thread on Professor Blair’s Fred’s University page.
Academic Services offered included spells for the following:
Teacher Will Sleep Through Your Ill-Prepared Presentation
Your Lab Partner Will Do All The Work But Not Take The Credit
Link to Tonight’s Homework Will Be Deactivated On Canvas For Entire Class
Your Teacher Will Wear The Same Outfit 5 Days Straight
Two Parallel Lines Will Meet
When an Assistant Professor requested that Professor Blair perform a Tenure Spell that involved a devious keyboard shortcut, a fake Fred’s University login, a compromising photo of the Dean, Trader Joe’s Everything Bagel Spice and whiskers from the department cat named Whiskers, animal rights advocates got involved.
While it is clear that Professor Blair’s original posts were intended as humor, it is not clear whether Professor Blair is really a witch or not. Apparently, the Dean, whose compromising photo was in fact briefly circulated, has always suspected the Symbology professor was in fact a necromantrix.
When the Dean’s private texts about Blair mysteriously got posted to the web, it emerged he had also referred to Professor Blair as a termagant. The Dean, who started his career as a Medievalist, is known for his use of annoying vocabulary words and has been called out for his lack of inclusive language on many occasions.
Amateur sleuths in the Symbology Department pointed out that not only was the word termagant an offensive slur used to describe powerful women, it was also the name given in the Middle Ages of the god Christians wrongly believed Muslims worshipped. Since Professor Blair’s husband is Muslim, the texts could be a violation of Fred University’s Silence About Religion Policy.
Students noted that the Dean could have simply referred to Professor Blair as a shrew and avoided the ongoing controversy. They also highlighted the totally bogus word “necromantrix” as a sexist gendering of the word necromancer which is in fact gender-neutral.
The Dean, who still teaches one undersubscribed vanity course, received some blistering reviews on Rate My Professor but has not been reprimanded. In other news from the Symbology Department, Whiskers is missing and tenure awards are up.
