Why Don’t People Want to Go Back To The Office?

The conflict between those who want to Work From Home (WFH) and those who want to get Back To the Office (BTO) has been cast as a geographical struggle, a gender struggle, a racial struggle, a moms-vs-dads struggle, a have-and-have-not struggle, a technological struggle, an introverts vs. extroverts struggle, a vax vs. anti-vax struggle, a cat-person vs. dog-person struggle and most often a generational struggle.

But a recent study casts doubt on the common narrative that tech-savvy Millennials prefer Zoom and bumbling Boomers are forcing them BTO. It turns out that Baby boomers quit their jobs for the chance to work from anywhere at nearly twice the rate of Gen Xers and millennials.

A representative from the Association of Imaginary Schools involved in tabulating WFH data says that the common misperception that Boomers are the drivers of forced office work stems from the fact that bosses are more likely to want workers BTO and most bosses are Boomers. Boomers are controlling the move back to the office because they are in charge, not because most of them want to go back to their cubicles.

The AIS rep, who did not want to go on record, says that Boss Boomers are used to wielding power over underlings at the office, and they miss that when they are trapped at home without a staff to lord it over. For those under Boss Boomers in the office, the extra work of sucking up to the Boss and helping them with their password management is exhausting and annoying.

Leaked survey results from an internal Association of Imaginary Schools survey found the following were the most frequently named as reasons to prefer to WFH:

Larry’s tuna melts in the office microwave.

Buying Secret Santa gifts for senior management to give out.

Poo smell in hall bathroom.

Poo covering floral fragrance in the back bathroom.

Having to laugh at George’s jokes about “titties” because he is the boss.

Scratchy fake wool seat covers with icky rubbed-down area.

Peter standing right behind your desk looking at your monitor while asking fake questions.

The fake snow from the office Christmas tree in your coffee cup.

Fake smiles for jokes about the boss’s fancy vacations during “icebreaker” exercises.

Cost of pantyhose required in dress code and the vaginitis they cause.

The exact color of mold in the office fridge drawer.

Being treated like a domestic servant by the Older Boomer Boss’s Much Younger Wife.

Splitting the bill with the Top Shelf Ordering Boss at Happy Hour after work.

Dropping off the boss’s vomit-covered blazer at the dry cleaner after Happy Hour.

The sounds that leak out of the Boss’s Airpods when he is “secretly” watching porn.

Pretending to work.

According to the anonymous Association of Imaginary Schools source, the number one reason mentioned for not wanting to return to the office was fart smells, and it was noted that older people fart more. The source also emphasized that Boomers have their own special set of concerns about BTO and those include the snide, snarky, ageist attitudes of Millenials and their relentless insistence on constantly changing passwords. As for reasons to return to the office, the source mentioned that George wants to get away from his much younger wife, who expects a lot from him at home, and Hannah wants to see her Office Crush who is never on her Zoom calls.

Also Read: Icebreakers or Ice Makers?