There are Two Kinds of Colleges: Boozer and Stoner

Stoner Versus Boozer Colleges

Liberal arts colleges and small universities are closing at a rapid rate due to high expenses and low enrollment (you can track which colleges are closing at this incredibly depressing website).

Facing these same challenges, plus significant administrative embezzlement, Fred’s University President recently hired his brother-in-law to do an extremely expensive marketing study in hopes of finding ways to boost enrollment.

The results showed that Fred’s has failed to position itself correctly in the highly competitive market of not-very-competitive colleges with astronomical tuitions. Research has shown that there are two types of colleges: ones where students blackout drink from Thursday through Sunday, and colleges where students are somewhat stoned every day.

Fred’s should be a stoner college but has presented itself as a boozer college, resulting in historically low numbers of applicants and poor retention.

Branding analysis showed that all Fred’s University branding includes alcohol — from the logo itself which features beer steins, to the motto, In Vino Veritas. The most recent promotional video commissioned for Fred’s University is based on the school crest and shows students and teachers posed around campus clinking beer mugs together.

But students in the target demographic for Fred’s University see boozer culture as a boomer vestige with a boatload of problems attached: sexual assault, unwanted pregnancies, drunk driving, and vomiting on your really expensive sneakers.

The typical Fred’s University student views marijuana as a safer more peaceful alternative to alcohol. In keeping with national trends, Fred’s University students are drinking much less alcohol since the pandemic and smoking more weed.

The President’s brother-in-law suggested Fred’s University hire his neighbor to do a comprehensive rebranding which would retain the school’s signature green color for graphics but showcase cannabis instead of beer.

In the name of research, the initial planning meeting was held at a local dispensary cafe. While several new logo concepts were proposed, committee members found it hard to focus on the task at hand and the meeting was convened for snacking. Justifying his very high consulting fee and expense account charges, the brother-in-law pointed out that the financial costs to universities of alcohol-related problems are significant and added that no one had been raped at the dispensary meeting.

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