Site Services Only for Humor Services
Due to the hard-to-pronounce new Covid variant, the Association of Imaginary Schools has announced that it will close its offices to the public starting today. Effective after the holiday, we will be offering site visits only. Despite the disruption, our educational consultants remain eager to provide humor services to schools and institutions of higher learning at a very high price.
Although our hourly rate is $200, and our retainer is $4,000, please expect lots of extra charges for transportation and snacks. The Harried Administrator is known to eat enormous amounts of Skittles as a meal replacement, and the Overpaid CEO is notorious for Raisinette consumption. These items alone will pad your bill, but note that you should also expect to see itemizations for unnecessary phone calls with a billable chat about the weather, printer repair services at $250 an hour, and extra expenses for props required for any gags we suggest as part of our consult.
We will also forcefully recommend continuing subscription services from us, and product tie-ins with our other humor-related businesses. Yes, you will be charged for the lunch we invite you to (veal scallopini and a wine pairing of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc), as well as our Uber to the restaurant. No, Covid safety plans do not mean the cancellation of expense-account dinners. Restaurants are an important part of the economy, and we are doing our part #WeAreAllInThisTogether.
Any deep dive into an institution is going to reveal some illegally dumped garbage on the ocean floor. If you are involved in something unsavory, and we always assume you are, it is a best practice that you destroy the evidence before our team arrives in our KN95 masks. We at the Association of Imaginary schools understand that in these troubled times, that may not be possible. So for the remainder of the pandemic (and we hope that is a very long time), we are offering to help you with any cover-up. Cover-up services include email deletion at $100 an email, paper shredding at $200 a pound, prank phone calls at $500 apiece, and fake websites starting at $3,000. The cost of lying to your spouse for you will be calculated on an individual basis.
The scope of our expertise does not include legal advice, and should you be implicated in an accounting scheme that could involve the IRS, we strongly advise you to seek legal counsel before signing up with us. Studies show that fraud is most often reported by employees (58% of the time) while vendors only account for 8% of fraud reports. So don’t suspect us if the feds get involved.*
When our team arrives, expect us to be insanely friendly. This is a proven technique for getting everyone to reveal juicy information about each other. Return on investment for friendliness can be measured in an increased rate of return on gossip. Our clients usually anticipate that the dirt they reveal to the consultant will result in dramatic public revelations and decisive action. Most employees dream of a great unmasking where all the wrongdoings of their school will be brought to light. This is not what happens.
Instead, we collect your darkest secrets and funniest stories and share those at our weekly staff meeting at a crowded unventilated bar. The worst/best stories are shared with spouses and friends outside the company. Your boss will never know what you said about them. Remember, your boss is paying us! As part of the initial contract, we specify that we will create at least 10 memes that make a joke of your underlying problems without actually seeking to solve them. Ideally, the humor consult results in complacency about underlying issues based on a placebo effect: it appears your structural problems are addressed, our consult has been handsomely paid for, hence you start to feel better. Bottoms up!
Expect to get very cozy with Patty from our outreach office. She is just naturally a nice person, not trying to manipulate you or overbill for your conversations. With her soft eyes, fuzzy sweaters and crazy Zoom backgrounds, Pam melts hearts. This always happens! It is sort of like how people fall in love with their shrinks and bartenders. On any given project we receive at least one resume submission from clients who are eager to leave their current job and come work with us. As Erma Bombeck says, the grass is always greener on the other side of the septic tank. Unfortunately, we do not have any openings at this time but feel free to invite us out for drinks.
*National Business Officer’s Organization, Report: Fraud Risk Affecting Private Schools
