School News Today
2 min readMay 2, 2022
Bucket of glue spilling out in a puddle on a light blue background

School Board Meeting With Zero Drama Very Clickable

The School Board Meeting for Public School Zero last night was marked by zero drama, zero death threats against teachers, zero tearful racist attacks, and zero unhinged moms dressed as a condom to protest sex-ed.

Some Board members missed the condom costume which was quite titillating, especially after a protester at the last meeting accidentally threw a bucket of glue over the condom mom’s head to represent the need to “stick to the white curriculum.”

The sticky costume notwithstanding, Board members were happy to discuss the much less clickable choice of asphalt surfacing for the service bay, the two-day change in county reporting deadlines, repairs to the possibly cracked sewage pipe on the south side of the high school, and the appointment of new members to the compliance committee.

Among other not-newsworthy things that happened at the meeting was cooperation between hard-working teachers and well-meaning administrators, grateful students performing an end-of-year school appreciation song, and participation from parents who are thrilled to have the school explain to their child what genital herpes is so they don’t have to.

Statistics show that most parents are happy with their kids’ schools. According to a new NPR poll, “By wide margins — and regardless of their political affiliation — parents express satisfaction with their children’s schools and what is being taught in them.” Protests fueled by extremists and often bankrolled by dark money are a distraction from the stultifyingly boring business of running schools.

The reporter from the local paper who had been hoping for a protest against gay pirates, dancing furries in confederate flag ball gowns, or a textbook bonfire with viral potential for a national news story, was sorely disappointed. “Boring School Board Meetings are very bad for the news business,” he tweeted as the meeting ended.

After the meeting adjourned, the only drama to be observed was some side-eye from the County Clerk directed at her ex-husband who was flirting with the sex-ed teacher on the steps of the auditorium. The County Clerk commented to the downcast reporter that her ex-husband already knows all about herpes so he should focus on the asphalt.

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